How does one know what you want to be when you grow up? Is it some incident that makes you feel that way about becoming something, well for me it certainly was a series of them. In school I got selected for a play when I was in the 6thgrade. After the performance my school principal walked up to me and told me, ‘You are a born actor!’ I still remember looking up at her, and that amazing feeling I felt, I can’t describe it in words. Then there was no stopping me from performing at every chance that I got.
I watched this film called ‘Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak’, I liked it a lot, and I may have watched it over 10 times. I knew all the dialogues of the film, I once remember making my sister and my neighbour sit in a dark room, with the light of a lamp on me, and acting out the entire film for them, all songs included. I used to do such performances regularly for the people I knew; only I don’t know how they put up with me like that. Thank you to everyone!
I used to have no inhibitions. But then as time went by, and as we grow older, we start getting self-conscious. We perform to please, not to feel the performance, I guess. But by then I knew that I wanted to act. So I landed myself in Bombay. (Bombay to India is like Los Angeles is to American Cinema.)
I got involved in theatre. I did a couple of plays, and I really enjoyed being on stage. But the rehearsals were just killing me. My director is a brilliant actor, and I learnt so much from him, but he would just shout and scream, and while that may work with others, I get into a shell when people get that way with me. Although, while performing on stage, I was able to overcome that fear, and perform sincerely, I was unable to overcome my fear of him, and talk to him about it. So I disconnected myself from his theatre group. I shouldn’t learn to face my fears instead of just fleeing away from them.
Then after auditioning for around four years, I got a chance to be in front of the camera. I acted in a few feature films, short-films and ad commercial films. The experience was great. But then I realised that, the more I acted the more inhibited I was getting, until one day I made myself believe that I am a bad actor.
I was my best in my first 2 ad-films:
1. Unicef – www.youtube.com
2. Havells – www.youtube.com
The thing with me is, I tend to believe most things people tell me, this also because I felt that my directors are more experienced than me, so they must know more than me. But that’s not the way it should work, if the director is telling me to do something a certain way, and I feel differently I should have the courage to tell them, not to prove a point, but to indulge in a discussion about it. So both parties are clear about what is to be done.
So I asked myself why I don’t have that confidence in myself, self-confidence is very important for a performer. If you are convinced that you are doing the right thing, your audience will be convinced too. But I have had this self doubt issue from the beginning, I guess we all do at different points in our lives, but the thing is to get over it. Even in school, when our teacher would ask us a question, I would usually know the answer, but hesitated to raise my hand and answer because I was scared that I may be wrong. And then someone would give the same answer and I would be like damn why didn’t I. So even while acting I may be doing the right thing, but I always feel that maybe I’m wrong, so the way to get over this fear for me, I believe is if I join acting school, then I will believe that I know what I have to do, and will be able to do it convincingly in my own way.
Some people have the courage to still ask, so during the shoot of one of my ad-films, my co-actor asked the director to explain why he had to say his lines the way he was asked to, and the director told him not to ask too many questions and just do what he is asked to do. That was it, any hope of me gathering any courage of speaking up, flew out the window on that day.
In a short film that my husband – Nikhil Deshpande made, even though I can be myself with him, I wasn’t my best, I’m not saying that I was bad, but wasn’t my best. Because I feel that there is scope for improvement and I should learn my craft better. (Blip –www.youtube.com)
While searching for a course in acting, I’ve realised that, not all acting schools teach the same thing. Their ways of approaching the subject varies according to their beliefs. And I was unable to find one that matched my beliefs yet.
Luckily, one day a friend of mine gave me this book to read, ‘An Actor Prepares’ by Konstantin Stanislavski. I could relate to his ‘Method’, as I too think similarly. So I searched for schools that taught his method. There are only schools in Russia for the same. I dropped the idea as I knew going there would be super expensive and I certainly can’t afford it. Not with the irregular work that I have been getting.
Then one day I watched this film called ‘Rockstar’ the lead protagonist in that film – Ranbir Kapoor, just impressed me thoroughly. I could feel and live the part that he played through him, and I felt that burning desire to be able to do the same. So I googled to see where he has studied acting from. I got to know that he has been a student of the ‘Lee Strasberg Institute of Film and Theatre’.
On further research on Lee Strasberg I got to know that he was a follower of none other than Konstantine Stanislavski. He developed a ‘Method’ based on Stanislavski’s principles, which is taught in the institute in New York. I looked up the institute’s website just to see what the course fees was like, and while doing that I came across the ‘Eleneora Duse’ scholarship that the institute offers to international students. I applied for the same, but unfortunately didn’t get it. But they have told me that they are willing to accept me as a student, if I can raise the money for the course on my own.
I’ve done all sorts of jobs for survival – taught drama in a children’s school, worked in the event management sector as a conceptuliser, made travel itineraries as I love to eat and to travel, and write a food and travel blog called, ‘No Passports Attached’, trained people to sell insurance, worked as a production assistant for TV shows, done graphic designing for corporate brochures, logo’s, etc. and so many more things. And sometimes I think that I should just give up my dream of acting, and do a regular job; life would be so much easier that way. I’ll get used to it, I might even like it once I get comfortable with it, and start getting regular income and be successful, but then I know that I’ve tried doing this so many times in the past, but in the end I just don’t feel satisfied living that way. My life gets too boring and I become disinterested. Although I don’t mean to say that these jobs are boring, they are not, I feel this way, because that’s not what I really want to do, I want to act, so I find other jobs disinteresting. To be an actor is challenging for me. I don’t want to give up on it just because I don’t have the confidence; instead I want to over-come my issues. I feel that the time has come to focus on my acting and improve my skills, and finally live as an actor. Or else I will be one of those who will get old and regret that I didn’t follow my dream and work hard enough toward it. I gave up on it, because I wanted an easy way out.
A friend of mine, who is making a film had posted a link on facebook, to raise funds for his film through Indiegogo. That seemed like a great idea to me. And here I am requesting you to donate, if you feel that I deserve to learn what I really wish to.
Also another friend of mine – Shiv Shankar has told me, that he is willing to be my guarantor for the remaining amount, so I’m hoping I will be able to collect a lot of funds and for the rest I’m getting a loan with his help. And also doing a regular job on the side, to save up some extra cash for the course.
I just have to do this, this course will help me boost my confidence, and also I will better my craft to become a good storyteller. I wish I was one of those people who would give up, if I’d done that then maybe I would have got a steady job in any other field, which guarantees regular income, and would be successful by now. But like the great Dalai Lama has said, ‘The Planet does not need more successful people, what it desperately needs is more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds.’
Course Details:
I am applying for the:
Spring 2015 Session
April 6th – June 27th, 2015
And my application deadline is: February 2, 2015
I have opted for flexible funding, as I need the total amount to pursue the course, hopefully my target will be met, in case it doesn’t the rest I will raise with a personal loan.
Here’s the breakdown of how your funds will be utilized: The amount is the full requirement for the entire 12 week program:
Tuition for the Full-Time 12-Week Program is $5650. An additional non-refundable $100/session fee applies to all international registrations. An additional non-refundable $90 FedEx rate will apply to facilitate visa documents.
I need your help to reach $5840 to get admission at The Lee Strasberg Theatre & Film Institute
Stretch Goal:
1. Airfare: $1,600
Delhi Airport to New York Airport
New York Airport to Delhi Airport
2. VISA Charges $200
3. Insurance (Travel & Health) $543
4. Boarding $3,000
5. Stipend (Local Travel/Food/Library Fees/Study Material) $4,500
Sub -Total Required $9300
Plus Indiegogo charges – 9.0% fee on the funds required/if full amount not raised – $1,457
Total Required $5840 + $10757
Indiegogo link: www.indiegogo.com
